Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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