we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
