I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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