My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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