Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
