he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
