i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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