oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
