Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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