I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
