DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
