Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
