I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
