I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it hurts more in the daytime
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
