I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
