I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
