How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
