my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
