Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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