Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
