this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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