Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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