It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
