My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
