I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
