THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
