I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
