i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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