Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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