The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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