I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
