I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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