I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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