why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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