I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
