i already hear my dad disowning me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
