I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
