sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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