oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
