It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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