how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
