He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
