Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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