tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
