Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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