a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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