the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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