i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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