I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the day after is always just damage control
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
