After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
